Dating in your 40s - What I want in a guy
“So what are you looking for on this site?” Is probably the most common statement I get besides Hi on Hinge. Totally get it, it is a completely reasonable question. Problem is the answer is a bit tricky. My normal response is “To meet new people, and hopefully, meet someone special I can have a relationship with”.
Does it get more beauty contestant answer than that?
But it is a hard thing to say. I would like a relationship, it is my default. I have never been a “let’s keep it casual” kind of gal and one night stands scare the hell out of me. I mean, what if the guy is a serial killer? Plus one night stands seem great and all when you don’t want to focus on building something with another person. It addresses specific needs, no real commitment issues, heck, can be back home and sleep in your own bed. But for me, it has some serious downsides.
Let’s set aside the whole if you liked it you don’t get to hit it again issue and of course the whole have to use protection issue, my attraction to guys is not normally a physical one. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate a good looking guy. But there are certain things that aren’t physical that can REALLY get me going. Like passion. Honestly, listening to a guy talk passionately about what they love, whether it is something like old construction equipment, comics, computers or boxing is amazing. I have never understood the old “Oh listening to him talk about X is just so boring”. Sure if it is the same story you have heard or the 18th time, I get that. But when a guy is talking about something he is passionate about and you see that spark in their eyes twinkling with excitement, oh Lord, dunk me in cold water.
And that is a big problem for me. Because when I see that passion, I want to help them grow it. I want to see where it takes them. I want to see as they pursue it. Even my Hollywood crushes fall into this problem. Besides Keanu who is objectively attractive regardless, most of what gets me is comedians. You can tell they have truly honed their craft and when they speak about something off the cuff they are passionate about, I’m done. Jon Stewart retiring from the Daily Show was the best thing to happen to me because I could more easily go to sleep at night.
So that leaves the answer. What am I looking for. Well, I always had hard age limits but with the volume of younger guys messaging me I started to talk to some a bit. I still don’t think it will go anywhere because frankly it is hard when you have two people in different spots in their lives. I am a mom through and through. For a person who has never had a kid, that can be a hard thing to get. Not because there is something wrong or anything but because put bluntly, when you have someone’s life in your hands literally your priorities shift. It just does. And there are very few other potential scenarios were that comes into play as hardcore as being a parent.
Which is why realistically I see myself dating a single dad. I love kids so if it got serious and I met his, I don’t think it would be an issue to love them as if they were my own.
My mom always says I need to find a guy who we are equally yoked. To help explain you yoke your animals that are pulling a cart or a carriage. so if you have two horses pulling a carriage they need to be not only be pacing at the same rate, they need to have the weight equally distributed and the harnesses at the same length. I know, its odd, but my mom is really into British tv and this is definitely from period pieces. But I get the concept. I need to be in a relationship where we are both in it the same amount. Where the expectations for the relationship is the same. And we need to be similarly paced. That one is a biggie. I have had a tendency to date men who weren’t as motivated as I am. Not to make money, though having a job is important in some sense, I mean motivated to do things. To be better. To grow. To hustle. To try new things. This has been a common complaint across my entire family, lol. As I was told by one sibling “For the love of God stop choosing men that make you slow down instead of keeping pace”. I like having crazy goals and trying to become a better version of me. So I need a guy who is wants to do the same so we can get better together.
There are others things as well, like I need to have some things in common with them. Whether we both love movies, or books, or walking in the sand, or going to concerts, or playing video games, or taking pictures at the zoo, or wandering the art museum (okay, that one I kinda like to do alone), or own way to many books, or run 5ks (slowly for me, lol) or go to the gym together, or trying new restaurants or something else in my laundry list of things I enjoy, which is a lot, there has to be something. I am totally down for trying other things he might enjoy, but it also needs to be mutual, at least trying something once. And having at least one thing we have to do together immediately makes it easier to spend time together besides the normal sit at a bar or sit at home watching tv.
But these aren’t really things you can say on an app in short text messages back and forth. It is either there or it isn’t. So it makes it difficult to honestly answer that question.
What I want is a connection. A real one. A deep one. A look into each others eyes and see who they actually are not who they pretend to be for the world. A I can curl up into his arms and cry when I am at my wits end connection. A I love you for who you are and who you want to become level connection.
I don’t know if that is out there. Or if it is if they will even want a relationship or to be in one with me. But I do like going for crazy goals so I guess I need to try.