I don’t always handle things well. Especially when it is about my body. I might have a day when I think I am looking really cute or that I just killed it in the gym and then I see a picture of myself and blamo, I am wrecked.
The other day I worked out really hard at Title, I was proud of myself. Then they posted a video of the group working out and I saw myself. I had just left and the notification popped up that Title had posted on Instagram. I watched it and saw myself. I cried. Not like my eyes watered, no legit balled. I had felt great and then saw my body, so huge and ugly and I cried. I had to pause before going into Meijers to get fruit because I knew my eyes were all red. But also, because I was in my workout clothes and now I knew how I looked in them, the idea of others seeing me made me cry even harder. I did force myself to go in and get the fruit I wanted but it was hard.
The problem was after that I wanted to eat everything. I wanted a moment to feel something other than the pain I felt after seeing that video. RIght now I don’t have a lot in my life that is purely for me, is a stress relief and brings me joy. But food always has. So dieting is one of the hardest things to do because in many ways it is my go to to feel better.
It probably seems silly to whine about it, considering I have so much in my life that is good. But my body, how it looks, how it behaves, has always been a hard topic for me. And the words that go through my head are not the most positive in the scheme of things. People have always made comments about my body. The scars didn’t help. The huge breasts coming in at 14 really didn’t help. I remember being a Sophomore in high school and I wore this really cute swing dress that was totally 60s Mod with leggings and thought I was cute as could be. A teacher came up to me and told me that I should have come to him, he would have helped and if I needed anything to let him know. At first I was confused but then his daughter came up to me and said “I just had to tell my dad you aren’t pregnant, you aren’t, right?” No, I was very much still a virgin at the time much less pregnant. But apparently the dress, coupled with my boobs sticking the dress out so much, made him think I was. Last time I wore that dress much less a swing dress.
Same thing with wiggle dresses. Bodycon dresses made me look like a “slut” according my to my one aunt and pleated skirts were apparently an invitation to young men to grab my ass because my bubble butt makes the skirt stick out. Most of high school I wore oversized t-shirts. To this day my default with dresses are loose fitting a-line.
So with these things that others have said swirling in my head, to them add on fat, I feel hideous. A grotesque monster only my mom could love. This might cause some issues on the dating front, lol.
I try to focus on the positives. I have lost weight. I am stronger than what I was. I try to be consistent in working out and I do kinda try to eat healthy. But then something goes sideways and I want to eat it all. I want ice cream, ribs, steak, cherries and so much more.
Today I have been working hard on this big project for work that has me very stressed and something went wrong. I left the house, ate a snickers, twizzlers and Burger King. Not exactly on the meal plan. And yes, I ate it in that order.
I want to be better but I get scared that I can’t be. That maybe I am meant to be this big. That I should just accept my grotesque oddly shaped body with the scars and the pornstar boobs that don’t fit in anything well and the fat. Maybe that is just who I am. Maybe I can get stronger and fitter but my body isn’t going to change.
Recently I was at a bar with a person and he was showing a video of a young lady boxing to myself and another man. As I watched to woman I was so impressed with her speed and her focus. Then one of them said “she’s fat”. I pretty much finished the margarita I had in one gulp to keep myself from tearing up.
I had posted a video of a guy on a treadmill boxing.
My trainer had then commented lets try it. At first I thought it would be cool, it will be fun. But then I got worried he would want to film it. And when people see it, are they going to comment on what I was doing or that I was fat, just like that girl. Needless to say I have no plans in trying it.
I have never been a girl that was confident in her looks. I have been told I was pretty and sexy and even beautiful, but I have never really felt that way. I don’t know if I ever will be.
But I do want to become less dependent on food to make me feel better. Regardless of whether I loose weight or not, I do want to do that. Because even though I feel better for a moment I feel deep shame after and I know that isn’t healthy.
I also want to stop comparing myself to other women so much. I don’t do it as in I’m better, I see how I don’t stack up to them. That isn’t healthy either.
This has already been such a good year of really digging deep into what I need to work on, I just need to figure out how to address the issues I have. But this one needs to get moved off the back burner.
I deserve to like myself.