I have realized I say “I used to” a lot. Like Damn. I used to be a runner. I used to game. I used to cook. I used to have hobbies. When it hit me I was doing this it was a bit overwhelming. These were all aspects that were a deep part of me and now they are not. And if they aren’t, then what replaced them.
When I get baking, especially for those I love…
So I started to take stock and think about what had replaced it. I didn’t actively choose what replaced it. I didn’t go from I used to cook but now I’m really into grilling. No it was just I used to cook. So what replaced it was the default opposite of what was there. I used to cook? I must just get take out. I used to run? Now I just mainly sit. I used to game? Now I just passively sit watching TV. And that is really depressing when I think about how it impacted how I was approaching going back to the things I loved.
I would go to the gym, hop on the treadmill and start to run. Nope, can’t do that, it’s too hard. Now normally I know that I need to build back up to running, you can’t just jump right in to where you were but that isn’t what was playing in the back of my head. That would go with. Wow, I’m not as fast I used to be. I can’t go as far as I used to be. I’m not a runner anymore. Why am I evening trying? I should just go home and stop embarrassing myself. And given my anxiety and often life saying “hey the to do list is getting longer as you are over there trying to be something you’re not”, I would stop.
And that is really depressing because I used to do a lot of cool stuff. Yes, I have always had intense anxiety and fear but after four decades I have gotten pretty good at pushing myself to try something new. But so much of that strength was gone. Now I am sure at some point I will go into how that got eroded by multiple tides from different directions but that can be a different post. Or actually probably multiple. But I have been trying to push to get back to me I liked. I used to go to concerts. I now do. I used to run 5ks. I am registered for several. I used to try new things. Well, thanks to an amazing Nancy, I tried boxing. And wow, what an amazing positive in my life for so many reasons. And that helps with the I used to be fit. I might not be it now, but is no longer I used to be to I will be. And that is mindset I need to keep.
So Yep.