So I am going to start a series of Musings around concepts. I am starting with one that I actually think I have a decent grasp on because it is the one I feel I have understood the longest, Love.
The others, those I have been doing research on, and frankly are ones I probably have had the most change in my perception of them, but this, I have always felt pretty constant.
Love, to me, first and foremost, is wanting the best for that person. It literally has nothing to do with you other than what you want FOR the other person. And oddly enough that even works for self-love because if you want the best for that person and that person is you then you want the best for yourself. Now why that works is because you as in (I) wanting the best for you (that person) is nuanced enough to also get yourself (I) out of your own way which, can be the biggest obstacle in self-love.
When people talk about how a person makes them feel, those I wouldn’t classify as love. Those feelings are valid, but love is specific. Those could be sexual desire, wanting, trust, feeling heard, validated, seen, safe, secure, free to be yourself, feeling complete, etc. But that isn’t love. These are all emotions you can feel without love. And a lot of them a person should hopefully be able to feel without the need of another person to do so.
So if these emotions are not tied directly to love, then what exactly would love be? Well we know that every type of relationship that exists can have love that is corrupted, so going purely based off of relationship type makes no sense.
People have killed in the name of every relationship, from in the name of their God to for their parent or partner. But because of that we can take one aspect out, any kind of love that is obsessive or demands full loyalty, is not love. Because if love is to be the best thing in the world, it cannot encourage destruction, death or the desecration of the person’s well-being giving the love.
We know that happiness must come from within because no person can truly ever understand an other person’s experience completely to the point of full comprehension. So that person will never be able to “complete” them. They will never be able to “fix” them, to carry their burdens fully. They can stand beside them as they work on themselves, but only that person can truly work through their own issues. So there is no other half, no missing puzzle pieces, no one soul mate. There are just normal human beings choosing you to work with your messes because you are willing to work with them on their messes too. So love can’t be a knight in shiny armor to rescue you or a savior to solve your problems. It can’t be a happily ever after because life doesn’t stop creating problems even when love comes into the picture.
We know sexual chemistry is great and looks are lovely but both can fade quickly. We know money can solve problems but often can cause them too. We know that people can look good on paper but not be “it”. And so often we experience much deeper more profound love in our friendships than we do in dating relationships because we are willing to be so much more vulnerable with our friends than we ever would with those we would date. Dating goes so fast anymore and yet we only view romantic relationship as the only relationship that “counts” as the real love.
But to me that is what is the issue. I look around and I have so much real love in my life I can honestly say I am blessed. Because my definition of love holds up, quite well. And I can honestly say I love a lot of people and receive a lot of love.
I love my family and my family is MASSIVE. And I love my friends. And I have friends that range from acquaintance level sure, but I have some who I can bare my soul to in deep and profound ways. And it isn’t all women, I do have 2 men, L & M, in the mix. I can be weak and vulnerable in ways I know others can’t be with their actual partners. And when you look at my definition, I don’t necessarily know if people feel they could say that is true in the relationships they have with their partners, their children or even themselves. And I have that throughout my life in all sorts of relationships including my friendships. And it is a two way street.
As silly as it sounds I even love my CEO, I want the best for her. I do. She is wonderful, drives me bonkers on occasion, but she has a good heart is trying to make real change in the world. I admire that. And I want to see her succeed and the company succeed.
And of course, I love my son. And I know one day he will leave me. And he will go to where he needs to go. And it will hurt. But I want him to be happy. To be who he needs to be. So I won’t be selfish. Because I want what is best for him.
I have been playing matchmaker lately for some of my friends. So far it is working. But this whole concepts as a concept has been helping me think it through and match them. This is because it is not just about do they have similar tastes, I realize that doesn’t really count for much. But also focusing on do their views on overarching concepts of life align. Because THAT, more than anything, really tips off if it is going to work.
They need to have at least a couple of overlapping interests, sure but the theoretical stuff, the things you don’t technically talk about but does come up indirectly through 100s of microtopics throughout your life, are critical.
So this is my view on this concept. I don’t think there is any right or wrong answer, this just happens to be mine. Anyway, yep.