2020 was hard. I know, understatement. But it was an overwhelming year that made me look at my goals, my reactions, the hang-ups I have and the long ignored issues I haven’t ever taken the time to deal with because I didn’t want to.
My health was a hot mess and I am not happy about that but it made me realize something weird I have never really dealt with, my own mortality. Yes, I have a will and life insurance. I have a playlist for my funeral, but there is an aspect of mortality I didn’t really ever deal with, my body breaking down. Experiencing things that drove home the consequences of my bad choices. I eat like I’m 16 and drink coffee like I’m 20. I can work 16 hours straight and then get back up for an 8am meeting. I workout in spurts, often inconsistently and at the luxury of my work schedule.
This is the year the chickens came home to roost.
Which given the lovely coupling with the massive pandemic going on, left me in pain quite a bit. I realized I was taking meds that didn’t work together and were making things worse. My mom diagnosed my issue and sent me to the doctor to ask for specific tests which as a 43 year old is a bit embarrassing. My son just informed me that I need to stop being a stereotypical man about my health and has decided that while I am traveling for work (whole other story) he will be addressing the food issue. I also promised I would schedule an appointment with my doctor for when I come back home from the trip.
Yes, I am being lectured by both my mom and son. So, obviously, this needs to be a priority for 2021.
Then there are my finances. This year I should have saved a ton of money, I wasn’t going anywhere or doing anything. Instead impulse control went out the window and if I wanted it, I got it. Shopping, like food, is a comfort for me. And in a world that felt so out of control I leaned into shopping to feel some.
Obviously, not the smartest there. Especially not feeling well, Door Dash became the default for dinner. I definitely supported our local restaurants but not exactly helping the first issue and certainly not helping my long term plans.
I want to retire early.
And move to where there is no snow.
And learn to surf.
And climb small mountains.
And be near water.
The money makes more sense going towards that, not having random stuff delivered.
And my desperation to address the first issue maybe me gullible to scammy crap to address it, further worsening issue 2. Yeah, it’s like any sense of financial maturity went out the window as I tried to address my climbing the walls with things since I couldn’t have experiences.
Which really highlights the main issue. I felt lost. I am not a super social person but I do love to experience things. Those I love I enjoy their company from time to time. But things like wandering the Art Museum or seeing a popcorn flick on the big screen or just walking through a book store are all things I do center myself.
And it was all gone. All shut down. And in it’s place was fear. And worry. And sickness. And death. And conditions coming from the disease. And fighting. And just absolute disgusting behavior and selfishness. And people who are trying to help breaking down.
Quarantining in my house, I felt trapped. And not by what I couldn’t do. That was bad enough but I’m an adult, I get it. No, I felt trapped by the sense of helplessness for others and anger for the stupidity of jackasses who thought that a disease that has impacted the world, the full world, was somehow REALLY about them. That level of delusion and selfishness literally made my stomach sick to hear. And even though I wasn’t interacting with people in person I couldn’t escape it. And it started to feel like maybe there wouldn’t be a 2021. Not because of the Covid but because of us. The world would continue on but maybe we, Americans, wouldn’t. When people believe in conspiracy theories where the only evidence is hearsay from non-verifiable folks because that gives them more comfort than the truth coming from people with data to back up their claims, it calls into question how long a country can survive like that.
I have never been a doomsday prepper, but I have to admit, I ordered emergency supplies.
And I think that is at the heart of all of this. I didn’t have a solid foundation to rely on when the world started to spin faster than I was used to. And to be clear, the foundation is available to me, I just sank into myself instead of reaching out for support.
And that I think is the greatest lesson for me for 2020. I need to be open. I need to make sure I do things for me that bring me calm. I need to hold those I love closer because though I love the experiences, it’s better with them than alone.
So though I have New Years Resolutions and Goals and such, the biggest in 2021 is to be there for those I love. Like really be there. To listen, to ask for help, to give and be willing to receive. Because, without them, all I see is the crazy. And if I hold them close, the view will be much better.