Have you ever had those moments when you life when you have a lot happen all in a short period of time and you just go, oh, wow, all at once, okay.
I have had that happen a decent amount in my life.
New school, surgery and 2 baby sister all in less than a year? Okay.
Grandpa dies, adopted, baby bro and baby sis? Odd.
Pregnant, married, move to another state? Sure.
Dad dies, long term relationship breakup, multiple promotions. Hmmm.
Now for some they will say it’s all planned but it is just coincidence most of the time when things all come at once. Things happen all the time but when they are clustered to together which in a random scattering will happen, it becomes more memorable simply because the sense of stress is heightened.
But so often those moments are heavy enough to shift your life because there is a cascade effect from the events.
Reaction to one event can impact behavior that can trigger others. Pouring myself into work because of loss definitely helped the promotion issue. Pregnancy links directly to the marriage. It isn’t so much that it is meant to be and more that by focusing on one aspect other things either sharpen in focus or loose energy that was once being given freeing up to be put elsewhere.
Well, this year has been a struggle. There is a lot to that statement but this year has really left me with a sense of being trapped, being overwhelmed (which is carry-over from last year) and fearful. But I’m not okay with that. Normally I am pretty bullish on my own abilities. But I have had my sense of my own competence being whittled away lately. Yes, that is a loaded statement and I could give more detail but I won’t because fundamentally I am not okay with it. But I have been scared. And I don’t like being scared unless it is a haunted house or a horror movie.
So I’m taking a huge leap tomorrow. There is no net, no harness to make sure I don’t hit the ground. I just have to have faith that I will be okay.
So since I am leaping I was thinking, maybe I should see if I can make it one of those “it’s all happening at once” type of moments. But actually plan it.
So I picked three areas of my life I want to “get right”. Finances, my health and my friendships. The past couple of years have been a hot mess for these. My bills are paid, I’m not dying and my friends are still there but I haven’t been focused on them. I have been cocooned in a kinda bleh mood. I have become anxiety riddled introverted large person. I used to be an active person who went out with friends at least once a week who was still anxiety riddled but in a more manageable way.
So - I want to use May as a reset month. I got the book 30 day money cleanse which fits with the goal.
I have taken weight and measurements today and are building a calendar for working out for the month.
I am literally scheduling not just “meet-ups” with friends but when I will call and text friends. That one feels the weirdness but if they recommend scheduling dates with your SO to ensure the relationship is prioritized, then why wouldn’t I do the same to reset my frankly bad friend hermit behavior I have had recently.
And given that tomorrow will be a hard day but hopefully a good one, planning on how I will stay on track will be important. When I am not feeling on top of my finances or eating crap and laying on the couch, or not leaning on the people who really do love me and more importantly be there for them, I feel like a failure. And that in all honesty has just fed the fear.
So that is the goal for May. Part of the goal for the reset is also trying to remember that this is here (I do pay for this so if I’m not going to use it then why?). SO I will keep posted as of the progress.