What is weird to me is that I think opening is probably going to cause more small businesses to go under.

Here's the logic. Right now they can access loans, insurance, etc. Their employees can access unemployment and insurance through the emergency legislation and such. Now none of this is perfect, but there is at least something.

Most of these businesses are running on large margins. We know that supply chains are starting to get impacted and will be for a while because the rest of the world isn't opening up yet and a lot of what we get isn't from here, so pricing for things will go up over the next couple of months.

So let's assume that things just turn back on, no new rules on social distancing or capacity, even though we all know that will probably happen.

Do we actually think that everyone will go back to normal on going out and such? Even in places that are opening up, they aren't seeing people rush out to even previous normal much less for how much everyone is complaining.

So what happens if a restaurant that was running on a 10% margin only comes back to 75% of previous business? What about their workers? Not because of social distancing rules but because people aren't willing to risk being around folks.

Surveys are showing majority of people are in support of the restrictions so even if people venture out once things relax they probably won’t go to as many places as they would normally go.

So what happens to businesses that now have new regulations that will limit amount of folks and have some additional costs but also have folks who were normally willing to consider going there but are now skittish? And most importantly, no safety net for them or their employees because they were allowed to open back up.

They don’t get to be “too big to fail” or are essential. I think we will see a lot of bankruptcies of small business and more empty building syndrome come next year. And that saddens me way more than being stuck in my house.

https://www.ajc.com/business/economy/georgia-economy-open-for-business-but-normal-still-long-way-off/CMhIwCE3uyuCWdo1kYZh9L/

https://news.gallup.com/opinion/gallup/309491/compliance-curve-americans-stay-home-covid.aspx?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=o_social_2ebd7fa7-0312-459c-9260-c96e0e986b1d&utm_term=gallupnews&utm_content=&utm_campaign=

https://www.vox.com/coronavirus-covid19/2020/4/16/21224074/coronavirus-us-polls-lockdown-social-distancing-end

https://www.score.org/coronavirus

Covid-19 and my biggest fear

This is my biggest concern with this virus. It's not the mortality aspect. It's the after effects and hidden issues we are just now finding out.

Let's say .1% dies in the US. I was going to say .01% but we already surpassed that, so .1% is 330,000. We as of this morning already have 63,746 deaths with about 57,000 happening in April (more than the flu total deaths which is throughout a year). And April was with social distancing in effect for at least parts of the country, I think it is plausible that we get to 330k before this is said and done, especially since we are 20% there already.

Now that number sucks - we have already had more deaths than every war we have fought other than WWII (291,557) and Civil War (498,332). In April alone we had more deaths than car accidents (38,00 - seat belt laws estimate saving about 14,000 lives annually) kill in a year, so 330,000 will have a true impact on society.

But that's what concerns me. The flu doesn't mess with your brain. The flu doesn't kill your liver. This is happening with this little #&(#&*$ virus. So for those who survive, a sizable portion will have some long term affects.

These are people who are going to need some sort of continuum of care after. They will not be able to function to 100% after this. And we aren't sure what the long term aspects are yet because it hasn't been enough time to be long term to see.

Yes, it could be SOOOOO much worse. OH DEAR LORD can you imagine if measles mutated, whether by nature or was made into a bio-weapon. Small pox? Holy crap. I don't even want to imagine. But that's the thing.

We need to balance safety with living a life, but we also need to be prepared for the inventivable outcome of what this is going to do to folks. Whether we open up today or open up 2 months from now, there will be a lot of people who will be forever impacted by this and we, as a country, need to figure out 1 - how to make sure they are taken care of because in this war they are our injured vets and 2 - fund and put into place safe guards so if a new virus pops up again, and it will, we are better prepared. We used to be. We defunded it. And look what not being prepared did.

https://www.nationalgeographic.com/history/2020/04/coronavirus-death-toll-vietnam-war-cvd/#close
https://injuryfacts.nsc.org/motor-vehicle/occupant-protection/seat-belts/

https://www.asirt.org/safe-travel/road-safety-facts/

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/coronavirus/coronavirus-disease-2019-vs-the-flu

Things I hope we learn/not forget about when all of this is over

This has been a weird year and keeps getting weirder. These are some of the things I hope we learn, not forget and do right going forward.

1 - tying healthcare to employment is a bi-product of the wage freeze that happened during WWII. It isn't how it "was always done" or "motivates people to not be lazy". In fact it discourages entrepreneurship, makes it harder for companies to compete in a global market and has been one of the main reasons for inflation in healthcare costs (lots of studies around this). Can we all just acknowledge that we might need to rethink this one?

2 - We are global. Cat's out of the bag, it's never going back. Start dealing with what the world is, not what you want it to be.

3 - Supply side economic policies, though essential, must be balanced with demand side economic policies. It's not an either or. Companies are nothing without people to buy their stuff and workers to make it. And when you sway too far one way or the other, the economy gets warped and less able to adapt. We are watching it play out right now.

4 - all those folks who people are posting memes about thanking what are normally low wage workers, a good percentage are receiving government assistance in some manner. Most of our "social programs" help those who do work full time but don't make enough and work for places that don't offer things like health insurance. Next year, there is a good chance these same heroes in your memes will be stuck because they made a lot with overtime this year that they might not qualify next year for programs, even though they will not make the same amount next year. Don't punish them next year for the one good thing happening to them considering how much risk they are in. We all go to the grocery stores, we know what the average range of the workers there are. Don't be a dick.

5 - Science education is essential. Science education teaches people how to question, how to research and basics like why washing your damn hands is important. People didn't seem to know that there are over 320,000 viruses that can impact mammals, that viruses mutate all the damn time (like hello the flu and the common cold is not each 1 virus, but mutating like F'rs that are constantly changing) and immunity is a really big dead is really really really depressing to find out now. This is like measles for Europeans and the Native Americans, measles was bad for Europeans but they had a built up level of immunity because of decades of exposure, that wasn't the case for Native Americans, and Covid-19 is in the no immunity phase. The fact that people didn't know how washing your hands kills germs works blew my mind.

6 - Math education is essential. Exponential is a big deal. 2x10 is 20, 2 to the 10 is 1,024. Math education is essential because it is going to take that learning how to do research and questioning and help you then understand what you're reading. A study that only has 12 subjects is not concrete. Especially when the group they represent includes roughly 1.3 million people. It helps to understand that if a death rate is a "low" 1.5% of infected and 8-12% needed to be on ventilators for 1-2 weeks, is a highly contagious disease because it has a transmission rate of 2.1 per 1 infected and we 62,000 ventilators in the US for a population of 327 million with some already in use for other diseases, maybe, the goal of trying to slow the roll of Covid-19 was so that way we as a country didn't need to determine who lives and who dies because there would be no ventilators to put not just Covid-19 cases but all the other people who might need a ventilator.

Sorry, we think the economy is taking a hit now, can you imagine the fear that would happen if you knew you went out and got in a car accident that might need to put you on a ventilator for a day or two because your lung was injured would do to society? That getting sick, any kind of sick, might mean no matter how great your insurance is you might not get treatment? People who saw friends battling and winning against cancer dropping because their immune system was so shot that this virus that is still WAY less deadly than measles takes them out. That having a baby in a hospital became a no go because infants really don't have much of an immunity. Like seriously, think about what people would do. Yeah, that's why DeWine is the Shit. He can math and he hires people who science.

July Goals - Working Out, Eating Clean and Writing, oh boy

I have a friend who said “Let’s do 13 in 31 in July” and I said sure. The intent is to eat clean and work out every day in July with the goal of loosing 13 lbs. I am a bit worried about it because that is a lofty goal. The 13 lbs is a lot. But that isn’t even the thing I am worried about. It’s the eating clean.

Realistically eating clean will DRASTICALLY change my eating. I drink pop. I bake and that is pretty much out the window since it is added sugar. I am not sure about Starbucks but I am worried about that one. And eating out is going to be rough.

Also, I did the math, in order to loose 13 lbs in 31 days I have to cut/burn 45,500 calories. That averages to 1,452 calories I have to address in some manner daily. Now according to a calorie calculator I need to eat about 2,291 calories a day to maintain my weight assuming my age, gender, weight and light exercise of at least 30 minutes a week for 4-5 times a week. Now I do normally do more than that when I’m good because I average about 4 class at Title Boxing a week (or 3 and one very hard butt kicking by Wilkins the trainer in personal training) but I wasn’t really comfortable with the other options. I certainly don’t feel like an athlete and I’m not even sure my metabolism is killin’ it at a higher rate.

So this leaves me with a couple of options on how to handle. First, I need to work out and burn at least 500 calories every day. Period, not discussion there. I can’t drop my caloric intake below 1,200 which would be 1,000 of the 1,452 calories I need to address. But even still that is going to be a problem because I like to do things like partake of a drink now and then. Yes, not exactly clean but if I want to succeed, I need to be realistic.

So it would probably be wise to try and schedule additional calorie burns besides the mandatory 500. This leaves a few options. More boxing classes, walking/running, barre/dance and weight training. All of these can get me to those extra calories burned and I actually enjoy them. I think I also want to try new things. There is an amazing chick at the Title that teaches at other locations. I like the idea of supporting people I know, plus it would push me to get out of my comfort zone. I have been becoming a bit isolated lately.

Now, I also need to work in stretching which leaves me yoga and pilates. Both don’t really do much on the calorie burn for me but if I am working out a lot I REALLY need to make sure I don’t stiffen up. Plus another amazing chick at Title owns a yoga studio were they do hot yoga, something I have always wanted to try. Luckily the first week of this is a holiday week so I can be in pain and figure this all out that week. But first and foremost, I need to make sure I hit the goal of cutting/burning 1,452 calories every day.

OH. Dear. God.

I also committed to posting every day in July. I have been so freaking stressed the last few weeks with work and life, and writing is such a good outlet for me. I actually starting thinking about offering up to some of friends to be able to start posting here just so they can have the same outlet, since being overwhelmed and feeling alone about it seems to be a common theme I am hearing.

I need to get out of my head, and writing helps with that. So I’m committing to doing that daily. There is a good chance there will be a lot of cursing since I will be hungry and tired, but I will do it.

And since it doesn’t count unless you put it in writing, that is what I am doing.

And at the end of the month, I will post the totals. Calories consumed, calories burned, blog posts and of course, lbs lost.

July is going to be a trip.

I will never have Abs, but that's not even my Main Hang up on my Stomach

When I was four years old I was taken to the ER by my mom because I had a really high fever. She had taken me to the doctor multiple times for the pain and fever but 1 - I was a happy bouncy child and 2 - she was a single mom. So the Doctor diagnosed me with needing my mother to stay home and be a real mother and that it was all just for attention. The ER docs diagnosed me with something different.

They told her to take me home and get my favorite stuffed animal and be back at the hospital at 6am. They weren’t sure what was wrong, but they needed to perform surgery. So the next morning I went in for the first of what would be six (I think it is six, I should know this but I would have to look it up) surgeries. They did an exploratory surgery that cut me open from my chest to my groin. They found a large durmoid cyst, stuck under my rib cage and removed it, along with a few other things. I had really weird dreams that included a dream were I was much older with a child and two that were apparently about purgatory. Yes, I acknowledge how weird that is, but anesthesia is some weird stuff. The doctors were caring, the scar was massive and keloided, I learned many things about myself and I had my first real awareness of death.

A lot for a four year old. But I am who I am because of this.

I have only once worn something that showed my stomach, a bathing suit in 6th grade that was what would be classified as a tankini and that is it.

See, as the years went on, and my body, specifically my stomach, became a tableau of the changes in modern medicine, I was always super self conscious of my body. First and foremost because of the scars. Change for gym class, I would get asked about the scars. It was never mean in the asking but it just drove home I wasn’t normal. I didn’t look right. I was flawed.

I also still have an intense fear of my body betraying me. Trying to kill me. Preventing me from doing what I want to do. I used to love to dance. But it is REALLY hard to be flexible when the scar tissue inside you is ripping as you grow and when you move certain ways the pain is so intense it can make you throw up.

I feel stunningly uncomfortable being naked. By myself, sure. But with others, especially someone I want to be intimate with, I can’t help but feel like they must think I’m a freak. That they are questioning why they are even with me. My body shows my failings so fully I can’t hind them in any way. It is there for full display.

Now intellectually I know this isn’t true. We all have failings, and now I have fat in the mix too and a ton of other people have that. But yet, emotionally, I just don’t feel beautiful. To be beautiful in this world physically you need to look healthy. I will never look that way. the scars will always be there, betraying that my body is not.

I have tried to overcome everything my body throws at me and I joke that my body tries to kill me every five years or so, but deep down, it scares me and scars me. Because I have known since I was four how true that statement really is. One day, my body will kill me. It does everyone. That is the definition of life. And every day I see the scars reminding me of this.

Now, I know, this sounds depressing and in someways it is. But it is also something else. It is a reminder of the battles I don’t talk about and how I have won them. But that isn’t enough to overcome the fear of showing the scars to others.

I will never have abs because my abs were sliced and scar tissue limits their ability to become tight and toned. I will never have those 11s models will have no matter how much I diet and how many crunches I do. Heck, doing a full sit up is difficult (though I used to be able to do a plank for minutes so that would be awesome to be able to do again). But what I really want is to be able to show my stomach and not be riddled with fear. Fear of rejection, fear of loathing, fear of pity. I want to be able to be like the women who wear a two piece even though they are thicc and yet still are rocking it out there proud and comfortable.

I don’t know if that will ever happen. But I need to focus on trying to make it happen. Maybe if I could, I could come to terms with the failings of my body. And that, that would be one of the greats battles to win.