Well - this might be one of the scariest things I have every done and in the top 3 scariest things on the list along with hang gliding and swimming with sharks. I did karaoke.

I was horrible. You could actually hear me shaking while I did it. I was freaking out. I am not even sure what voice came out of me because it was both not mine nor my normal range. I think I was entirely in falsetto which not sure why because I can sing the song in my normal voice. I was on a verge of a panic attack.

But, I did it. I didn’t start crying. I didn’t run away. I didn’t scream and curl up into a ball. I finished the song.

Okay, to back up…

I went to go visit a friend, Jeremy who runs karaoke nights at Dawg House and get some pickle fries which are soooo good on Friday evening. Jeremy is one of the nicest, sweetest people on the planet and is such a supportive person. He doesn’t just want the best for everyone, he actively encourages you to go for it once to state it out loud. He isn’t going to push you towards something you are uncomfortable about but if it is something you want, encourage you to go for it.

His friend came up who I apparently went to high school with and I had the pleasure of getting to re-meet him. Another friend, Matt, also came up. I have known him for quite literally most of my life and I adore him. When I say a truly amazing human being it is an understatement and I trust him completely.

Well after seeing people have fun karaoke and feeling wonderful on pickle fries, his friend went up to sing some Aerosmith. He was doing great, but was doubting himself and for some strange God awful reason I felt compelled to go help for encouragement.

I don’t know why. He is such a good singer and the idea he would doubt himself felt like such a shame. Anyway. After, I only felt somewhat traumatized. I think in part because I was with these folks. Being with people I felt so supported by, it felt like such a safe environment.

That’s the thing. I can get up and do an presentation in front of a ton of people without any hesitation. I have gone into meetings with senior leadership of clients knowing it was my job to talk them down without having any real answers and a presentation I saw 30 minutes before that was horrible and still knew I could do it.

But the idea of singing in front of people? I was in choir and all of that in high school so I know technically my voice isn’t horrible. And I sing all the time privately. I used to take singing lessons for me. Granted that was more to work on diction, pronunciation, breath control and frankly because I have never learned how to mediate and singing is like mediation for me. When I sing, I can let out my emotions, thoughts and feelings to the point where my head can become clear and a calmness can enter. It’s a great way to get me ready when I need to get into a flow state of work.

But when I am presenting or talking in front of people I am not…me. I am being the person who needs to get the job done. Singing is vulnerable in a way that is so uncomfortable to me very few people get to see me actually do it in front of them in a way that they hear it. Sure in a bar or club as I sing a long but they can’t hear it, it’s loud. But in public, that is so raw, exposed.

Which why it was probably such a cluster. Odds are all my normal defense mechanisms kicked in but didn’t know how to do it with singing. But regardless, I did do it. I got up. In front of strangers. And I sang. Halo by Beyonce. And it sounds absolutely and completely atrocious. My voice coach would totally have assumed it was a completely different person if he heard a recording since it was once of the first songs he had me sing (he was trying to test my range, skill and preferences) and I nailed it because I already had it memorized since, you know, Beyonce.

But I am so proud of myself. That was so so so scary. And I did it. And the fact that I failed at it actually makes it better because I survived that too. I don’t get to fail in public a lot. The girl needs to get humbled public every now and again. Because one of the best parts of it was the fact that people were so kind after reassuring me and telling me I did so well and to breath (you could hear me shaking while I sang) and it was so freaking sweet. It wasn’t people with pitchforks, it was people with kindness. And that is also a good lesson to be reminded of, especially when it comes to taking chances.

Will I do this again? Probably not in my home town. But maybe. Vodka and gin do have a tendency of having a much more positive impact on my anxiety so it might have a much better outcome. Maybe no visible shaking. But at least I did it. So Hell yeah.