Completed! #125 - Read 100 Books in a Year

I did cut it close, I have to say. But I did do it. 105 books in total. And for 2024 I am making it 105 books. It feels good to have accomplished this one. I love to read and I love my books. And it has inspired me to do something a bit crazy.

I am going to start an ETSY STORE!!!

I am going to start with just mugs and I am going to sell mugs with phrases and quotes from authors, books and famous people who have written and maybe I will branch out from there. I am going to give myself until January 31st to get it set up. But I I’m going to do it!

Why not? What’s the worst that happens? It fails? So what. I have made a bigger ass out of myself than that before so pish posh. Life is for adventuring and I might as well try. And there are too many wonderful words that can help people get through the day, and horrible meetings, to not at least give it a go.

In Process - #112 See Aerosmith Live / In Process - #86 See Beyonce Live / In Process - #105

Technically, I had gotten tickets, to see Aerosmith for September 21st, 2023. But unfortunately they rescheduled until February 29th, 2024.

I am a bit bummed about this but I do find it funny that is now on leap day. But it now allows for time for me to figure out how to use my camera much much better by then. So yeah!

It has been a bummer of a year for concerts though, my tickets for Beyonce were cancelled because she cancelled that location. That one was heartbreaking. And trying to get tickets for another show would have meant dropping thousands for worse seats.

Then the concert I wanted to go to to check off for Red Rock on my birthday became a cluster. I’m contemplating posting something about that under musings, but I haven’t fully decided whether or not to for that one. That is a really intense story and I am sure I want to share even if I do change names simply because it is not just personal but also very dark.

As much as I do enjoy going to concerts, this year as taught me an important lesson. I’m no longer buying tickets ahead a time expect in very special circumstances, such as for NKOTB were that is a standing tradition with a group of friends.

I don’t think it’s worth it both for the experience and for the trouble of coordinating. I love live music but it has become a bit too much now and I’m not enjoying myself to the level I used to. I’m not fully sure why, maybe in part it is because shows just keep getting cancelled or moved and it’s killing the vibe. I have P!nk and Depeche Mode coming up and hopefully they can bring some of the joy back. But I think going forward I am going to stick to local shows for the time being. See if that helps for a bit at least.

Live music used to leave me feeling inspired, now it just leaves me feeling frustrated by all the work involved to even get to go.

Completed! #62 - Sing in front of people

Well - this might be one of the scariest things I have every done and in the top 3 scariest things on the list along with hang gliding and swimming with sharks. I did karaoke.

I was horrible. You could actually hear me shaking while I did it. I was freaking out. I am not even sure what voice came out of me because it was both not mine nor my normal range. I think I was entirely in falsetto which not sure why because I can sing the song in my normal voice. I was on a verge of a panic attack.

But, I did it. I didn’t start crying. I didn’t run away. I didn’t scream and curl up into a ball. I finished the song.

Okay, to back up…

I went to go visit a friend, Jeremy who runs karaoke nights at Dawg House and get some pickle fries which are soooo good on Friday evening. Jeremy is one of the nicest, sweetest people on the planet and is such a supportive person. He doesn’t just want the best for everyone, he actively encourages you to go for it once to state it out loud. He isn’t going to push you towards something you are uncomfortable about but if it is something you want, encourage you to go for it.

His friend came up who I apparently went to high school with and I had the pleasure of getting to re-meet him. Another friend, Matt, also came up. I have known him for quite literally most of my life and I adore him. When I say a truly amazing human being it is an understatement and I trust him completely.

Well after seeing people have fun karaoke and feeling wonderful on pickle fries, his friend went up to sing some Aerosmith. He was doing great, but was doubting himself and for some strange God awful reason I felt compelled to go help for encouragement.

I don’t know why. He is such a good singer and the idea he would doubt himself felt like such a shame. Anyway. After, I only felt somewhat traumatized. I think in part because I was with these folks. Being with people I felt so supported by, it felt like such a safe environment.

That’s the thing. I can get up and do an presentation in front of a ton of people without any hesitation. I have gone into meetings with senior leadership of clients knowing it was my job to talk them down without having any real answers and a presentation I saw 30 minutes before that was horrible and still knew I could do it.

But the idea of singing in front of people? I was in choir and all of that in high school so I know technically my voice isn’t horrible. And I sing all the time privately. I used to take singing lessons for me. Granted that was more to work on diction, pronunciation, breath control and frankly because I have never learned how to mediate and singing is like mediation for me. When I sing, I can let out my emotions, thoughts and feelings to the point where my head can become clear and a calmness can enter. It’s a great way to get me ready when I need to get into a flow state of work.

But when I am presenting or talking in front of people I am not…me. I am being the person who needs to get the job done. Singing is vulnerable in a way that is so uncomfortable to me very few people get to see me actually do it in front of them in a way that they hear it. Sure in a bar or club as I sing a long but they can’t hear it, it’s loud. But in public, that is so raw, exposed.

Which why it was probably such a cluster. Odds are all my normal defense mechanisms kicked in but didn’t know how to do it with singing. But regardless, I did do it. I got up. In front of strangers. And I sang. Halo by Beyonce. And it sounds absolutely and completely atrocious. My voice coach would totally have assumed it was a completely different person if he heard a recording since it was once of the first songs he had me sing (he was trying to test my range, skill and preferences) and I nailed it because I already had it memorized since, you know, Beyonce.

But I am so proud of myself. That was so so so scary. And I did it. And the fact that I failed at it actually makes it better because I survived that too. I don’t get to fail in public a lot. The girl needs to get humbled public every now and again. Because one of the best parts of it was the fact that people were so kind after reassuring me and telling me I did so well and to breath (you could hear me shaking while I sang) and it was so freaking sweet. It wasn’t people with pitchforks, it was people with kindness. And that is also a good lesson to be reminded of, especially when it comes to taking chances.

Will I do this again? Probably not in my home town. But maybe. Vodka and gin do have a tendency of having a much more positive impact on my anxiety so it might have a much better outcome. Maybe no visible shaking. But at least I did it. So Hell yeah.

Also, why is it that no matter what I do, no matter how much I weigh, or how much weight I lose, in every bloody picture I have a double chin? Like I could weigh 120 lbs and I would still have a double chin. Sincerely, I did at one point and I still had a double chin. Is the issue that I don’t have a chin? Is there an exercise I should be doing to get a chin?

In Process #11 - Writing a Book

There are many other posts I should be publishing first but I figured I would post this first because this is pretty much a post that crosses with musings as well.

This summer I ended up attending multiple funerals. I buried many people with the last two being pretty much back to back, my Aunt Nati and my Welo. They both lived. Truly lived. Coming from amazingly large families that I am a part of, I was surrounded by love and warmth and culture and grounded me in a way that I can’t even begin to express how lucky I am to have.

At the same time I was struggling hard with dealing with other aspects of my life, as harsh realities force my hand to deal with things I simply did not want to deal with. It caused me to go into full reflection mode. Which ultimately is good. It allows me to analyze and pressure test everything. Then I can determine next steps and “clean out the closets” sort of speak. And given everything it became clear everything in my life needed a deep cleaning.

But I realized through the course of all the funerals as I was processing all of this and thinking through not just this concept but all the different things I needed to evaluate, the stuff, the hobbies, the friend groups, the activities, etc, that these all oddly still related to Death. Not individual deaths, but Death. The concept of Death. That so much of what would decide things, related to Death. Because Death itself impacts so much of our lives. But yet we as a society don’t talk about it AT ALL. At least not in any real way that is healthy. We are scared of aging, religions talk about everlasting life after death as if that would be fun and tech billionaires are chasing immortality in actual life as if that wouldn’t be annoying. People are so freaking scared of it that they create the dumbest drama on the regular basis, get drunk or stoned instead of dealing with it or do anything else than actually look it in the eye. Now it comes out as fear of failing or not being enough or no legacy or what ever but let’s be honest they aren’t finishing the sentence….before I die.

It didn’t use to be that way. So as I started to do my introspection I started to write essays for a new book. As I am a person who has a hard time sticking with one idea at a time, that totally is me. The working title is called Normalize Talking About Death. So far I have about why the fear to talk about death is bad - which goes into why Death is such a core concept of humanity that if you take away the ability to talk and discuss it in a real tangible way aka you will actually end, it actually causes society to de-evolve since we individually fail to determine are basic core concepts of our true selves. The idolization of the torture poet has led to a lot of orphaned oddly independent children which is about drug culture, media, addicts and failure of their support groups to hold them accountable often glossing over or being willfully ignorant for various reasons (I get how hard this is but not everyone deserves to be let off the hook here) and how the kids of the addicts have and continue to pay the price - had some help/input from this one from 2 additional kids of addicts who have lost their parents though they will not be named - especially since one is a minor. This might seem a little out of place since though it is about death it isn’t doesn’t seem about Death. But when you stop and think about all the concepts lying underneath drug culture specifically (this won’t be the only one touching the subject btw unfortunately damnit) it might be the one area that could be the most helped by having these conversations openly and honestly to truly save lives without loosing anything. I give examples. Anyway. If anyone tells you they KNOW what happens after you die, they are full of shit - is about how no one knows anything about anything for an actual fact about what truly happens after we die just like we do not know anything that happened to cause the big bang. It is all hypotheses and faith. We can tell you what happens to the body kinda, there are still some things that are weird we don’t fully have nailed down. Yes, I’m Catholic, but I also follow the 3rd commandment as it is intended. There are a few others but those aren’t done or have fun titles yet so I won’t name them.

Ooohh, and I am also taking classes.

I am watching on BBC Maestro Alan Moore’s Storytelling which is well worth it just to listen to him talk unusual words. That was pure joy. But sincerely well worth it. I signed up because they had him. How could I not? He is a true master storyteller. Even if I never finish any book, even if I never write another sentence ever again, watching him speak would still be worth it for my life.

Then I signed up for a romance writing class so I can learn to write romance. Given July’s failure I thought it would be wise to get some education so I can do much better the next time around. I probably won’t try a romance novel anytime soon but romance will probably sprinkle in anything I talk about purely due to the fact that love is in everything.

Then I started this week the first class of my writing workshop through a local literary group. Every Monday through the middle of October I am in a writing workshop. It’s for writing fiction which I have been out of for a while, but really this is to focus in on developing a consistent writing habit and really being able finish a project all the way through.

I’m hoping this encourages me to get things going and actually finish the essay book. Now I am doing research and ideas for the other books so that way as I get itch I can dump ideas in but I have writing time specifically for the Death book. That is the one I am committed to. That is the one I am focused on. I’m so very excited. So I am definitely making progress on this goal. So yay!

Hopefully that stays that way!

In Process - #11 - Write a Book

Oh Boy, did I make my life complicated. So Camp NanoWrimo kicked off and I thought it would be a good idea to do a “trash” book. AKA a book that will never see the light of day, one that is purely for me, no real focus on a specific page or word count but just to help start building the writing muscle.

It would also be a good a way to start researching what tools would be good to use to for writing. What do I like, what do I not like. Start to see if how do I like to gather inspiration, where and how do I handle getting “blocked”, etc. I used to write a lot but it is has been a while and I know those are issues I have had in the past and I doubt those same approaches I used when I was younger and would write short stories or poetry would work when I am looking at book form.

Well, that’s great and all but boy oh boy did I run into snags. I thought I chose an easy genre. And yes, it is an easy genre for me to write but it was not an easy genre for me to live with. It caused…complications, especially for my sleep.

Then I started to do my research rabbit hole thing and I really got into it.

Now I have finally landed on a tool and I am transferring into Scrivener, which seems to be working well. I also got a keypad and stand for the iPad so I can use the laptop around the house and the iPad on the go since Scrivener syncs.

What’s nice is that I have already started to set up for other book ideas as well so I can start to put notes in which will make my Instapaper insanity currently happening get under control. So there is that. So yay!

I decided to take a couple of days off from the book because I also realized a few things due to writing the book about my personal life. That is one beautiful thing about writing. I am not great at journaling, this might be the closest I have ever really gotten to being able to doing anything like it in any real manner. But writing, whether fiction or non-fiction does have a way of making me examine my life, my priorities and my relationships and making me take a step outside myself.

I realized I didn’t like who I was when I was spending time with someone. They kept triggering reactions from me and I was behaving in ways that aren’t normally like me. And it had gotten to the point that just the thought of them was triggering the anxiety. And through the the writing I started to examine conversations we have had been having.

I have a blind spot for subtext and body language. It’s why I like tv and movies, I have learned a lot from it. I am amazing at reading vibes though. So I know when the words don’t match the emotions and often I know what people actually want even when they don’t or they can’t express it. I also remember conversations incredibly well. Through writing I was truly able to process why I was reacting the way I was. Once I found the root cause, I knew what I had to do.

I am so freaking happy this is on the list. Whether I ever truly finish a book or not, I need to keep writing. Allowing my creativity to process in way is so helpful. Everyone and there mother has always pushed journaling. Ugh. This though, ah, this is the way.

In Process - #125 Read 100 Books in A Year

I am working on my Book challenge but I am a bit behind. That said I haven’t caught up yet on getting everything posted on Goodreads either. I’m so naughty. But hopefully by the end of July I should be back on track. So far I am 34 books in on the app but I think I am really 38 books in.

I have 4 books read in the bedroom, but I am being lazy and haven’t gotten up to go get them and make sure I add the properly chosen one. I am so bad at names and titles. Maybe one day I will be better, but it will not be today, that is for sure.

But I do love this challenge. It is incredibly fun. Though it was intended to work on the books I already own, I have not been very good at that at all. It has become an excuse to buy more. I do need to start work on the financial goals and work that one in for sure.

Books, my true weakness. If only I could just be Belle….

In Process - #62 - Sing in Front of People

I started this a bit of go and ended up needing to cancel due to my weird schedule but I need to give a solid shout out. For a while, I was taking lessons from a wonderful gentleman named Alex Stokes. Though there are people in my life who could probably give me singing lessons, frankly I am not confident as a singer by any stretch. So the idea of any of these people having to put up with my voice, even if I am paying them, felt cruel.

Now, I know what you are thinking, Diane, if your voice is that horrid, then why would do that to a stranger? Ah, that is part of the issue. I know my voice is technically not THAT bad. I have issues. I fully acknowledge that. Anyway, Alex was great. He was lovely, really helped me to gave some confidence and work on stretching back open my vocal range. If interested - https://stylemindlessons.com/