I am 2 weeks into the new year and I have to say I am making a good start at my goals. I know, I know, they shouldn’t be around the new year you can start any time, all that crap. I also like to take an annual stock of my life at my birthday as well so suck it.
The last several years have been odd and I have swirled as I tried to deal with all sorts of issues. Work, relationships, my health, me, it has all had it’s issues. But when I started to take stock back in September (you know, that whole birthday thing), I realized that so many of the goals, what I thought I wanted, no longer fit.
I was still focused on “getting back to me”. The problem was the me I was focused on getting back to. Someone who wanted to keep exceling in my career, which I stopped wanting to do a while a go. Now my focus is firmly on making a difference but I still behave as if I was trying to climb the corporate ladder. I wanted to get back to being thin but I wasn’t focused on my health. I wanted to get back to dating but I kept putting it off, and when I thought about it part of it is because I was still attached to the traditional idea of dating then marriage and honestly, I just want someone who is good for me, have great sex a lot and who I can truly be vulnerable with. I don’t need them to be official or my everything. I don’t want a nuclear family. Honestly, I am not sure I ever really did. What I wanted was love, I wanted support and I wanted to feel like I belonged and wouldn’t be abadoned. And it’s the last one that really took some noodling because boy oh boy that has been a life long issue that has caused me a lot of pain.
I apparently don’t see value in myself unless I am useful. And since I don’t want to be abandoned my default is to morph myself into whatever I have to be to ensure it doesn’t happen. Workaholic, changing interests to fit the need, you ask - I do it. Now I could probably write a book about what got me to this point but let’s just say it’s a combo of family issues and survivor’s guilt, lol.
But when I look at the goals I see the thread of that through them. So many of these goals are what I think I should be and getting back to the person I was trying to become before. But that isn’t really me. So I went through and started to do things like clean out my closet, buy things that fit who I am not how I am defined, sign up for things I have really wanted to do for a while, and just started donating a bunch of stuff. Then I scheduled appointments with a therapist, nutritionist and functional medicine doctor. All in preparation of the new year and new goals.
One lovely thing about this is no one really reads this so I can relax with this site. I have rebooted it multiple times and I think what I really want is just a non-work site I can use as a writing outlet. So this is what it will be. My thoughts, opinions, my own journal without needing to write with a pen since my hand coordination is starting to get rough when I try to write for too long. It really is a use it or lose it skill.
So I will use this forum to capture and track my goals, where I am headed, my reflections and maybe some short stories or poems. The theme I chose for this year is to start anew. And that’s the point. I do want to get back to my old self, but my old self who loved to dance even in a grocery store, who went to GenCon to try new board games and who used to host weird theme parties to try new recipes on people. I want to write and not have it be about work or worry about SEO crap, I can use the other sites for that. I want to feel strong and bench press and run 5ks again. And I do want someone in my life. Someone who wants me just as much as I want them. But they want me for me. Not what I can do. Not what I can morph myself into. Not because they need a replacement for someone they used to know. Maybe I’ll find that, but I know, at least I will find me.
And edit this layout, ugh.